SOME LAUGHING LINES

1) NUDITY
> >> I was driving with my three young children one warm
> >> summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
> >> of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As
> >> I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
> >> shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't
> >> wearing a seat belt!'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 2) OPINIONS
> >> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
> >> his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
> >> 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
> >> necessarily those of his parents.'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 3) KETCHUP
> >> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
> >> the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
> >> asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
> >> 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
> >> now. She's hitting the bottle.'
> >>
> >>
> >> 4) MORE NUDITY
> >>
> >> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
> >> in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
> >> the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
> >> towels and running for cover. The little boy
> >> watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
> >> matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 5) POLICE # 1
> >> While taking a routine vandalism report at an
> >> elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
> >> girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
> >> uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
> >> 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
> >> 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
> >> the police. Is that right?'
> >> 'Yes, that's right,' I told her 'Well, then,' she
> >> said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
> >> please tie my shoe?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 6) POLICE #2
> >>
> >> It was the end of the day when I parked my police
> >> van in front of the station. As I gathered my
> >> equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I
> >> saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog
> >> you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
> >> replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
> >> towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
> >> 'What'd he do?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 7) ELDERLY
> >> While working for an organization that delivers
> >> lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
> >> 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
> >> unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
> >> old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
> >> wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair
> >> of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
> >> myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
> >> merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
> >> never believe this!'
> >>
> >> 8) DRESS-UP
> >> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
> >> party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
> >> warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'' And
> >> why not, darling? ''You know that it always gives
> >> you a headache the next morning.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 9) Death
> >>
> >> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
> >> church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
> >> that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
> >> 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
> >> robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
> >> performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
> >> batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
> >> disposal of the deceased; The minister's son was
> >> chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
> >> sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
> >> thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
> >> Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
> >> goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 10) SCHOOL
> >> A little girl had just finished her first week of
> >> school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her
> >> mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
> >> won't let me talk!'
> >>
> >>
> >> 11) BIBLE
> >> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
> >> fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
> >> Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
> >> picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw
> >> was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the
> >> pages.
> >> 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
> >> 'What have you got there, dear?'
> >> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
> >> answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear
> >>

R