ONLY IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL

Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our devis and devtas are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
Bhagwan Ramji, press 1;
Bhagwan Krishnji, press 2,
Mata Sitaji, press 3,
Radha Rani, press 4,
Lakshmiji, press 5,
Veer Hanumanji, press 6,
Bhagwan Ganeshji, press 7,
Jesus, press 8,
The Holy Spirit, press 9,

If you would like to hear a Bhajan by Mira, sung by the Koyal Lata, press 10,while you are holding,
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 99, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please do bhaj SITARAM SITARAM SITARAM, until you get a response.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

For being happy, everlasting happiness, and how to get rid of your hard-earned money, contact and listen to GURUDOM GURUS, who will guide you to donating your money to them so that those gurus can live in even more luxury and build more temples (which are only a socializing and cultural places anyway) and leave you in everlasting misery and make you feel unhappy while you are in fact quite happy with the things as they are.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Panditji in the nearest temple in your town/city or county.